Redemption
by Freelancer21
Summary: Slowly, Sawyer and Kate fall for each other... but they both have issues to work on before truly being able to be together.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Redemption  
Rating: PG-13  
Pairing: Sawyer/ Kate  
Summary: No spoilers if you've seen Season 1  
Warnings: None  
Status of fic: WIP  
Author's Notes: Hi! This is my first Lost fic... It focuses on Sawyer's issues with love and trust. I'm not really following what happened on the show. I'm just playing with the characters… Oh, and English is not my first language, so I apologize for the mistakes. Thanks for reading! Jenn

#Disclaimer#

I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Lost". They were created by JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof and they belong to them, Touchstone, and ABC.

**Redemption**

**Chapter 1 **

_Sawyer's POV_

She's not my type.

I'm more into thin, long-legged rich blondes like the one who's always fighting with her brother, what's her name again? Anyway. I normally salivate over any chick like that. I don't care about their personality or their sense of humour or any of that crap. I only care about their physical attributes, to put it politely.

I'm not looking for a relationship or anything like that. I'm a lone wolf. I don't care about anyone or anything besides myself and my need for revenge. But that's another story that I'll spare for a rainy day.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, her. Kate. I don't know why, it must be this damn sun that never stops shining over this damn island, but I can't stop thinking about her. She's pretty hot... if you like the strong-willed brunette type... which I don't.

But ever since I noticed her, not long after the crash, I've been intrigued by her. Drawn to her. I've never met anyone like her. I think she's hiding something... Maybe we have more in common than I think, after all? Speaking of the devil, she's just appeared on the beach.

What does she want with me now? Well, folks, we're about to know.

_Kate's POV_

Of course, he's where I thought he'd be. It doesn't take a genius to figure out he'd still be reading a book under this tent he made for himself. The place he now calls home.

As I walk towards him, I wonder if someone's waiting for him back in the civilized world. Somehow, I don't think so. If someone really loved him, I don't think he would act the way he does. He wouldn't be doing everything he can to be despised, to be left alone.

Don't ask me why, but I don't buy the act he puts on. Even though I'm not sure I could ever like the guy, I think he's not all that bad. Something is haunting him, I can feel it. Maybe because I know all too well what that feels like... or maybe it's just because of that mysterious letter he keeps extracting from his pocket when he thinks nobody's around.

As I get nearer to him I can see him looking at me with an ironic smile many women would find charming. Oh yeah, he's attractive, but talking to him always makes me feel uneasy. Like he knows what I really am. But I told Jack I would speak to him, so I will.

"Hey there, Freckles," he welcomes me with his Southern accent that, again, many women would find absolutely irresistible. But not me. Quickly, I tell him why I'm here.

"Sawyer, we need more alcohol. Do you have any left?"

"'We' being you and the Doc, I assume?" he says, still smiling, but his eyes expressing something that strangely looks like frustration to me. "You and Doc Welby having a little party, princess?" he adds, sarcastically.

I sigh. Why does he have to be so annoying?

"Hurley hurt his foot. Jack needs the alcohol to make sure no infection develops. Is that an okay enough reason for you?"

He looks at me in silence for a moment, that darn smile still plastered on his face.

"Sure," he concedes, "we wouldn't want Fatty to die. Who would have the energy to dig a hole big enough to bury him?"

Struggling to remain polite, I say:

"So, can you give me any?"

He gives me such a horny look that, I'm not sure why, I can't help but find it funny. I try to hide my amusement but I know he's no fool. Trying to regain my composure, I repeat:

"So?"

Slowly, he finally turns to his left and goes through his bag. Two seconds later, he hands me a tiny bottle. I extend my arm to take it, but before he gives it to me he says:

"So, what's my reward?"

My only answer is a deep sigh, which he translates correctly and lets go of the precious bottle. Hoping I never have to ask any favour from him again, I bring myself to thank him.

"Anytime, Cupcake."

_Kate's POV_

We're almost out of water, so I decide to head to the caves and bring some back here.

As I grab the empty plastic bottles, I realise I'm going to need help if I want to bring enough for all of us. I may be strong, but trekking through the jungle with 20 bottles might be a bit much.

I cast a look around, trying to find someone to help me... And I see Sawyer, sitting down in the shade a few feet away, looking at me with that always mocking grin. He's doing nothing useful, but that's not much of a surprise. I'm so annoyed with his laziness that I decide to take him with me to the caves, even if I'm going to have to suffer through the whole journey.

I stand and say:

"Grab these bottles. We need to go and get water."

He stares at me with a fake surprise look.

"Pumpkin, did I hear right? You want us to spend some quality time together?"

"We're just getting water. Not getting married," I reply coldly.

As an answer, he just winks, smiling so widely I can see his dimples. He then gets up as I wonder who this guy really is. I sense he's not the sarcastic, smart-talking guy and neither is the despicable human being he's shown on occasions. There is more to him... and maybe our little trip to the caves will prove interesting after all.

_Sawyer's POV_

I'm sweaty.

I hate the humidity, I hate this jungle, I hate getting water... Oh, I just hate this Crap-Hole Island altogether.

Why did she have to ask me to help? The little Hobbit or Mr Egg Roll could have helped her, and she probably would have enjoyed their company much more than mine. I'm not sure why, but the thought of her not liking me makes me in an even fouler mood. But what can I expect from her, when I always act like a jackass around her?

And why exactly would I care whether she likes me or not?

I take a look at her walking in front of me. Okay, she's not only cute, but she's also brave and she's mysterious. In short, she's really different from all the girls I've ever met. Even if I don't really want to admit it to myself, I do care about the way she sees me and I hate it. I hate myself for still having this tiny hope someone could genuinely like me in spite of the horrible things I've done.

Kate suddenly stops and suggests we rest for a few minutes. I just grunt as an answer.

She looks at me curiously as she puts down her heavy backpack, but she doesn't say anything. I sit on a rock and she mimics me.

"Do you think we'll ever be saved?" she asks after being silent for a minute.

"What, you don't like it here, Sweet Cheeks?" I reply, pretending to be shocked. Of course she doesn't like it here, she's stuck carrying water with a criminal.

She replies with a question.

"Do you?"

"If there could be a way to have running water and some beer, I'd be all for it, Lady."

And the thing is, I mean it. If I could be independent from these other castaways, if I could be alone and comfortable, I'd like this island just fine. No need for money, no possibility to pursue that revenge that has driven my life for so many years…

Heaven.

_Kate's POV_

I see the dreamy look on his face and I know he means it. He'd gladly stay if things could be a bit less wild around here. And I understand him so well… because I'd do the same. Not only because I'll either end up in jail or on the run if I ever set foot in the civilized world again, but also because it's been years since I've felt part of a group. And it means more to me than I ever would have imagined.

"What about the people you care about, back in the US?" I ask.

He suddenly becomes sombre.

"There's no one I care about out there."

I'm not surprised, but I still repeat:

"No one?"

"Nope," he replies, no trace of sarcasm in his voice for once.

Before I can say anything he smiles again and asks:

"What about you, Hunny Bunny? Any boyfriend missing your nice little behind?" he wonders, staring at my rear end.

I raise my eyes to the sky and sigh. Is it really impossible to have any kind of normal conversation with this guy? But I decide to answer his question, hoping it would get me a little more insight as to who he really is.

"No boyfriend. Everyone I've ever cared about is dead."

He nods slowly and grins.

"Same here. So maybe we do have something in common after all, Sweetie Pie."

I sigh. Just what I feared.

_Sawyer's POV_

Sayid, Shannon, Boone, Charlie and Kate were going up the hills to try and use the radio.

As soon as I heard about their plan, I knew I had to go along with them. This jungle is far too dangerous for me to let Kate alone with that terrorist, that VH1 Has Been and those spoiled kids. What if that 'monster' came back? I can't just sit back and let that happen. I'm not sure why, but I'm getting attached to the little lady. Since our "romantic" trek to the caves a few days ago, I've been thinking a lot about her. Just like myself, she's alone in the world. That's probably why I feel like I can relate to her.

Besides, I've got nothing better to do.

None of them knows, but I've got a gun. Yep, a gun. It must have belonged to the federal marshal who was on the plane with us. 'Finders keepers, losers weepers', is my saying. So I'm going with them. Of course they can't believe I could actually do something to help, that I could really want to take a long hike in the jungle for a noble purpose. But I don't care.

They all look at me with suspicion written all over their faces. All but Kate. She just gazes briefly at me with a smile in her eyes and in return I move my eyebrows in a naughty way. She sighs, turns around and then off we go.

We've been walking forever and that butt-head Abdul refuses to try the radio every time I ask him to do so. I'm getting real annoyed at him. He keeps saying we're not high enough, but I know he just wants to be the one to decide when to do it.

Bastard.

We reach a grove of palm trees in tall grass. Wide open space. Sayid decides that we'll rest for a few minutes. Kate wanders a few feet away from us, scanning the area. I'm about to ask the Iraqi know-it-all to try the radio once again, just to bug him, when we hear a loud, animal breathing sound.

Something is there in the grove with us, close to where Kate is standing. We all stop and listen, and I feel my muscles tense up.

Whatever is there is hidden out of sight by the tall grass, but we can hear it moving.

"Oh, my god," Shannon finally says.

"Something's coming" Kate adds, stating the obvious.

In any other situation I would have found a snarky comment to make, but not now. Not when we suddenly hear the animal running toward us, picking up speed. Sounds big. And it's way too near Kate.

"Come on, let's move!" Sayid suddenly yells, and that seems to wake up the others who start to run. Kate begins to move away, too, but she loses her balance and almost trips. She quickly stands again, but she lost precious time.

I draw the gun and aim it in the beast's direction. Half a second later, I can see it appearing out of the tall grass and I immediately fire.

Four, five times until it finally falls down to Kate's feet.

I just have time to lower my arm before the others come back. Sayid looks at me and I know what he's going to say.

"Where did you get that gun?"

Couldn't he just say 'thank you'? Irritated, I reply:

"None of your business, Abdullah."

He doesn't look too happy with my answer and opens his mouth to say something when Kate steps between us two. She points at the creature on the ground.

"Guys… it's a… a POLAR bear."

_Kate' POV_

After the shock subsided, after trying to figure out a logical explanation for finding a polar bear in the jungle, we come back to reality.

We need to try this radio and come back before darkness falls.

I stand on my feet, but now that the adrenaline rush has subsided, my foot hurts. I must have twisted my ankle. I just want to pretend I'm okay and go on with the others, but Sawyer sees me.

"The lady's hurt. I'll take her back to camp," he says firmly, staring at Sayid. He's obviously not going to change his mind about this, which makes me wonder why he wants to be the one to take me back to the beach. What's his ulterior motive? Why did he come here in the first place?

Unsure whether or not I should go with him, I try:

"I'm okay, Sawyer."

"I hate to say this, Kate, but he's right," Sayid intervenes. "You'll only make it worse if you come with us. And we have to make it back before sunset."

Seems like I've got no choice.

"Okay."

I glance at Sawyer, wondering what I should do. Like he knows what I'm thinking, he takes two steps then stops by my side. I put my arm around Sawyer's shoulders and try to walk, but we quickly realise that it would take us way to long to get back to camp that way. So Sawyer just grabs me and swings me over his shoulder like he'd have done with a bag of potatoes.

"Hey!" I protest, but all he does is chuckle a little. I know the more I protest, the more he'll enjoy himself, so I decide not to give him the satisfaction.

We go that way for a while, during which I try not to stare at his butt, even though I know that he's probably eying mine shamelessly. Carrying me seems effortless to him, although I notice his shirt is becoming clammier as time goes by. Tucked in his belt, right there, is the gun he used to kill the polar bear. Putting aside the troubling fact that this animal was no ordinary bear, I focus on the gun. It must have belonged to the marshal I knew all too well.

I cringe. What if Sawyer knew about this? He likes to play bad boy, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like to know he's carrying a murderer. But he'll probably never learn the truth about me. So far, I've only had to tell Jack I was the prisoner and that was hard enough.

I sigh and try to think about something else.

"I feel like princess Fiona," I suddenly say.

"Who?" Sawyer replies, not slowing down his pace.

"You've never seen the movie Shrek?"

"I know what it is, since it was advertised everywhere, but I've never seen it."

"Oh."

I briefly wonder what kind of life Sawyer used to lead outside this island. Probably not the type to take his girlfriend to see kid's movies. The thought makes me smile. Not the type to have a girlfriend, period.

Since I've got nothing else to do, I explain:

"Well Shrek is this ogre sent by some Lord to save Princess Fiona from the tower where she is being held by a dragon. After he saves her, she refuses to follow him, so he puts her on his shoulder… just like you did with me."

Unexpectedly, Sawyer gently puts me down, keeping his arm around my waist so I don't have to put my hurting foot down. A mocking grin appears on his face and he says:

"So you're comparing yourself to the princess, huh?"

His face is only a few inches from mine.

"You actually look like her with your long hair and your freckles."

He's way too close is looking way too intensely at me. I sort of feel like I'm under his spell and it makes me feel uneasy, so I retort:

"And would you compare yourself to Shrek? Scary from the outside, nice on the inside?"

My remark has the desired effect. He grunts and put me back where I was.

_Sawyer's POV_

We finally arrive at the caves where I know I'll find Jack. To spare her the inquisitive looks of the others, I take her off my shoulder and instead I carry her like a husband carries his bride over the threshold. The though makes me smile, but as soon as my eyes land on the Doc, I sober up. I can't help it, the guy has that effect on me.

"Kate! What happened! Where are the others?" Jack asks anxiously as he comes to meet us.

I don't feel like butting heads with Saint Jack right now, so, although I'm in no hurry to let go of her, I put Kate down and turn away. But she calls me back.

"Sawyer!"

I turn my head and gaze at her.

"Thanks," she simply says, and in her eyes I can see she really means it.

I grin. Take that, Jacko.

"You're welcome, princess."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_Kate's POV_

I'm angry with him. And disappointed.

Lately I had been thinking the guy wasn't all that bad, but now it seems I was wrong. How could he do this? Hiding Shannon's asthma medication when she's in such a dire need for it? He even went as far as hitting her brother when he tried to get it back.

What a jerk.

Suspecting he probably just wants something in return for the inhalers, I decide to go and ask him myself. I'm not sure why, but I seem to be the only one that can have some kind of connection with him. I'm the only one he seems to be able to tolerate.

I can see him cutting wood, a little farther down the beach. His back is turned to me and I can see his back muscles through his damp blue t-shirt. It's no time for this, so I try to stop my pulse from going faster and focus on what I'm going to say to him.

_Sawyer's POV_

I was chopping some wood, minding my own business, when I suddenly hear her voice behind me.

"What do you want?" she just asks, cutting right to the chase.

"Excuse me?" I reply, even though I know perfectly well what she means. I expected the Doc to send her my way, since she's the only one that can bring herself to talk to me. And I've prepared my counterattack long ago.

"What do you want, Sawyer?" she repeats, annoyed.

Even if my heart isn't into it, I try to live up to my reputation by answering:

"Freckles, I got so many answers to that question, I wouldn't even know where to start."

But she just ignores me. The girl is starting to know me.

"What do you want for the inhalers?"

"Ah. Good question. Hang on a tick," I say before swinging the axe and cutting another log. "What do I want?" I repeat, just taking time to ask myself once more if I'm really going to ask that from her. Well, yes, I am. Calling over my shoulder, I reply:

"A kiss ought to do it."

"What?" she asks in disbelief.

"A kiss. From you, right now," I repeat, laughing at myself internally for even entertaining the possibility that she might consider kissing an individual such as myself. Then why ask, you must wonder? Well, I'm a complex guy. On one hand I have to admit that I'm definitely attracted to her. Of course she's very nice looking, yeah, but I like her mainly because I'm starting to think she might understand me. I want her closer; I want her to tell me I'm not that bad.

On the other hand, why would she tell me I'm a good guy, when I'm definitely not? I'm an awful person and I know it. I'm kidding myself if I think she could ever feel anything for me. Why pick me when she's got the Doc all over her? Why bother getting hurt by her rejection? Because I deserve to be hurt. As simple as that.

Folding her arms on her chest, she replies:

"I don't buy it."

"Buy what?" I say before going back to my wood chopping.

"The act. You try too hard, Sawyer. I ask you to help a woman who can't breathe, and you want me to kiss you? Nobody's that disgusting."

Ouch, that hurt.

"I've seen you, you know," she continues.

This time she lost me.

"Seen me what?"

"With that piece of paper. The one you keep in your pocket. I've seen the expression on your face when you read it, and how carefully you fold it up. It means something to you. So you can play games all you want, but I know there's a human being in there somewhere. Give me the medication," she asks tiredly.

Oh, that's what it is. The girl has been playing shrink.

"You think you understand me," I state disbelievingly, feeling the irritation grow inside at the mention of the letter.

"Yeah. I think I have a-"

"Shut up!" I interrupt her, now angry. Actually hearing her tell me she thinks I'm not so bad after all scares the heck out of me.

"You want to know what kind of human being I am?" I shouted.

As I walk up to her, I dig into my back pocket and pull out that old piece of paper from it. For a split second, I ask myself why the heck I'm doing this, why I'm trying to push her away by making her believe I received this letter. But I hand it to her nonetheless.

"Read it."

She hesitates but I force her to take the paper and shout:

"Read it! Out loud."

She obeys.

"Dear Mr. Sawyer, you don't know who I am, but I know who you are, and I know what you've done. You had sex with my mother, and then you stole my dad's money all away. So he got angry, and he killed my mother. And then he killed himself, too."

"Don't stop now. You're getting to the good part," I comment dryly when she pauses and hands me back the letter. Reluctantly, she goes on.

"All I know is your name, but one of these days I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna give you this letter so you'll remember what you done to me. You killed my parents, Mr. Sawyer." She pauses once more before adding absently: "It's signed James Ford."

At the mention of my real name, I take the letter away from her. My gaze as hard as steel, I lean in toward her and ask, with more sarcasm than ever:

"Now how about that kiss, huh?"

I wait for a moment, knowing full well she won't do it. And although I really don't want to admit to myself, that hurts me. Now she can't even bear to look at me.

Way to go, sport.

"I didn't think so," I only say before turning my back to her and resuming my wood chopping.

_Kate's POV_

He says he'll tell me, so I'll talk to him again. Someone has to put an end to this madness. For God's sake, Sayid just tortured him. And Shannon needs to breathe.

Jack tells me where to find him and I walk over there. But when I see him from close enough, tied to a tree, covered with blood… I just stop. Even though I know he's done awful things to little James' family, seeing him that way just breaks my heart. He's carrying that letter around to remind himself of what he'd done, and that must mean he's not such a bad person after all…

He suddenly looks up and sees me. I walk over to him.

"So I'm here. Where is it?" I say, trying to be firm when all I'd really want to do is to comfort him.

Panting, he answers:

"Happy to tell you as soon as I get that kiss."

I can't believe my ears. After all this, he still wants that stupid kiss?

"What? Are you serious?"

"Baby, I am tied to a tree in the Jungle of Mystery. I just got tortured by a damn spinal surgeon and a genuine Iraqi. Of course I'm serious. You're just not seeing the big picture here, Freckles. Are you really gonna let that girl suffocate 'cause you can't bring yourself to give me one little kiss? Hell, it's only first base. Lucky for you, I ain't greedy."

Why is that kiss so important to him, I wonder?

I gaze at him. He's staring at me. The way he looks at me, waiting for my answer… I see a man desperate for someone to love him. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I'm moved. That's why I finally say:

"Okay."

He seems relieved and repeats:

"Okay."

_Sawyer's POV_

She slowly walks toward me, kneels down and looks at me.

I'm about to be saved, to go to heaven. I just close my eyes, wanting to savour every second of what's to come. Trying to imagine she's doing this because she really has feelings for me.

She leans forward and suddenly her warm lips are over mine. Right there I discover that what they describe in those romance novels I've been reading recently, out of boredom, can actually happen. I feel like I'm floating above ground, I feel like the world around us just disappeared, I can't even remember my name... Yeah, all those clichés. Caught in the moment, I slip the tip of my tongue inside her mouth and, much to my surprise, she doesn't pull back. Instead, she imitates me.

At this moment, I'm being totally true and honest. For the first time in many years, I'm not playing any game. I'm James Ford.

Just as I sense Kate is getting carried away, she recoils. It takes her a second before she's able to look at me again, during which time I close my eyes, trying to make that blissful feeling last. When I open them again, our gazes meet and I sense she's afraid I'll make fun of her just now, for allowing herself to enjoy the kiss. But I'd never do that and I wish she knew it.

Oh, I wish I didn't have to tell her what I'm about to tell her! I don't want to break the moment, to tell her she did all that for nothing. But I know I ought to do it. I look at her right in the eye and spill it.

"I don't have it," I whisper.

"What?"

She's completely thrown off.

I shake my head. Boy, in this moment, I hate myself more than ever. I'm going to disappoint her real bad and that's the last thing I want right now.

"The medicine. I don't have it. I never did."

Her features harden and I know she's going to give it to me.

"The book… They said you found it in their luggage," she enunciates sharply.

"Book washed up on shore. It went in the drink with the rest of -"

I don't have the chance to said another word. Pissed, she hits me in the face. Damn, the girl sure can throw a punch.

She stands up and walks away, leaving me tied to the tree. But I don't care.

An angel just kissed me.

_Kate's POV_

After my encounter with Sawyer, I go and sit on the beach. I remove my shoes and sink my toes in the warm sand.

I'm angry. I'm glad I hit him, he deserved it. How could he do that? Making me kiss him and then telling me he doesn't have the inhalers?

But having been lied to isn't really what makes me mad most, I admit to myself as I glance at the ocean. No, what hurts the most is having shown him I have some kind of feelings for him. I lost control only to find that he was toying with me, that he was dishonest.

I run my tongue over my lips and I can taste his blood. My pulse accelerates as I close my eyes and re-live the kiss. That was no ordinary kiss. We shared something during it, a connection was made between us. There was no façade, just two bare souls.

I cringe. Did I really need this? Did I really need to find someone like myself on this island? For weeks I've been trying to convince myself I'm attracted to Jack, good guy Jack. The doctor, the saviour. I think if a good person like him could give me his absolution, could like me in spite of my past actions, I'd have found redemption.

I know that he's my chance to change the way I see myself, to believe I can indeed be a good person.

But even though I hate it, I can't stop feeling drawn to Sawyer. Sawyer the swindler…

I sigh. Whether I want it or not, there is something about him, whenever he drops his guard for a moment, that just breaks my heart. The intensity in his eyes draws me to him like a magnet.

A question is tormenting me: why would he pretend to have the inhalers? Why wouldn't he even tell the truth as he was tortured? All of this for… a kiss?

Okay, maybe he likes me, but there is got to be more than that. Perhaps… perhaps he found in me the same thing I'm wondering if I found in him: someone he wouldn't have to pretend with. Someone who could see right through the walls he built around him, thus making them useless.

I proceed to cover my feet with sand, remembering how I used to do this when I was a kid, before my life became the mess it is now. I sigh. So, what if he likes me? I have to admit that although the thought is scary, it makes me feel good. It almost makes me feel relieved to know that there could be someone I could totally be honest with without being judged.

"Oh, great, now you have feelings for Sawyer," I tell myself. Like it even was an option to pursue a relationship with him. Whether on this island or not, commitment wasn't an option when you were a fugitive.

I better accept the fact that I'll always be alone. But it's not going to be easy keeping my distances with him, I realise, sighing. I put my shoes back on and slowly get up and, thinking there must be something more useful than whining I could do right now.

And then I hear the screams.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_Sawyer's POV_

I open my eyes, prepared to see the jungle around me. Instead, I find with surprise that I'm resting on my bed, by the ocean. Trying to remember how I got here, I see my bandaged arm and I remember. Right after Kate left me, Sayid came running toward me. I had just succeeded in untying myself. We fought. He had a knife…

The artery was severed and I remember thinking I was going to die. Kate suddenly reappeared and I told her I had nothing more to live for since I had already made out with her… Ah, I'm such a jerk.

"You're lucky to be alive."

I turn my head to the right and see her, sitting by my side. She's holding my letter.

"I read it again," she begins. "And then again, because I've been trying to figure out why you beat up Boone instead of just telling him you didn't have his sister's medication. Why you pretended to have it anyway. The thing that I keep coming back around to is that you want to

be hated. Then I looked at the envelope."

She shows me the seal on the envelope flap and reads:

""America's Bicentennial. Knoxville, Tennessee." You were just a kid. Eight. Maybe nine years old. This letter wasn't written to you. You wrote this letter. You're James Ford. Not Sawyer."

So she knows… Somehow I'm relieved and can't help remembering out loud:

"Sawyer was his name. He was a Confidence Man. Romanced my mama to get to the money. Wiped them out clean, left a mess behind. So I wrote that letter. I wrote it knowing one day I'd find him. But that ain't the sad part. When I was nineteen, I needed six grand to pay off these guys I was in trouble with."

I sigh. I'm about to prove her once more what an awful guy I really am. Almost casually, I tell her the whole truth and that surprises me, since I've never told a soul.

"So I found a pretty lady with a dumb husband who had some money. And I got him to give it to me. How's that for a tragedy? I became the man I was hunting. I became "Sawyer"."

I raise my eyes to look at her and I see it in her eyes. Not disgust. No, that would have been too easy. I see pity and that's ten times worse.

"Don't you feel sorry for me," I say through my gritted teeth.

I grab the letter from her and shout:

"Get the hell out! Get out!"

Without a word, Kate stands, but she doesn't have to speak. I know she wishes she could help me. I know she cares for me after all. I almost want to tell her to wait, but instead I let her leave.

Once more, I'm alone.

_Kate's POV_

After Sawyer had passed out from the wound Sayid had inflicted him, I sat by his side, trying to make sense of the day's events. And suddenly it had occurred to me that the answer was probably in that letter he had shown me earlier. Something must have had escaped me. Delicately, careful not to awaken him, I snuck out the letter.

And then, just like I explained to him earlier, after several readings and closer examination, I realised he had in fact written the letter. That allowed me to understand him a little more. His reaction when he learned about my findings just confirmed my impressions.

I should probably be angry at him for yelling at me like he did, but I'm not. In a strange way, it makes me even more attached to the guy, because I know what he's doing. He's pushing me away, and that's something I know a little about. He's not ready to be James, to drop the Sawyer façade and make himself vulnerable in the eyes of the others. He still thinks he needs to be punished. No need to be Freud to understand that.

So Sawyer and I are both outlaws. He hasn't killed anyone, but life has brought him to do reprehensible things. Does that mean he could ever understand why I did what I did?

I honestly don't know.

_Sawyer's POV_

I wish we could have reverted to the teasing banter thing we had gotten accustomed to, but after that outburst yesterday in my tent, it's just impossible. Now that she knows that much about me, now that that connection had been made between us, I feel that I actually have to apologise to her. Yep, apologise. I'm not saying it was an easy conclusion for me to get to. It took me a whole day just to get used to the idea of doing such a thing. But whether I like it or not, Kate is important to me. She's the only one who can tolerate me, and that in spite of all I do to push her away. And that's very precious to me.

So, taking advantage of the darkness, I finally decide to go to her and make her understand I'm sorry about kicking her out earlier. Yeah, make her understand. What, you think I'm just going to go to her and say 'sorry'? Come on.

Walking along the beach, I spot her. She's sitting by one of the fires, alone, seemingly deep in her thoughts. Oh, I wish I'd know what she's thinking about. That girl is so mysterious… I wish I could make her talk to me, like the way she seems to be able to talk to Saint Jack. I snort at the thought. That's surely the only thing I can envy this smart-ass doctor.

"Hey there, Freckles! Is this seat taken?" I ask in a cheerful manner that seems completely stupid coming from me. But it has the desired effect.

A little smile appears on her beautiful face and she pats the sand beside her.

"Sit."

I comply and we sit in silence for a moment, staring at the fire. I know she's purposely not speaking, letting me make the first move. I accept that: she doesn't owe me anything.

"So, I see Shannon is still alive. Doc Doolittle did marvels again."

"Sun gave her some eucalyptus."

"Some what? I didn't know there were asparagus here," I say.

Kate looks at me, trying to decide if I'm joking or not.

"Forget it," she finally says, amused. "So, how's your arm?"

"Not too bad considering I could've died," I reply, sending an accusing look at Sayid who's standing not that far from us.

"You should be thankful to Jack."

"The Doc? He'd just feel too guilty if I died under his care."

She rolls her eyes but adds nothing. My cue to tell her why I'm really here.

"That was very sneaky of you, taking that letter, Sweet Cheeks."

She looks down.

"Sorry."

I'm that good. I'm the one being a jerk and she's the one who apologises. I have a gift, I'm telling you.

"No need to be, Puddin'. I showed it to you first, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you did…" she says in a low voice.

Probably not her best memory of me.

"As you probably guessed, it's not my favourite thing to talk about. So just don't do it again and I'll forgive you, okay?"

She chuckles, seeing right through me. But she nods nonetheless.

"Okay."

She then stares at the fire for a moment. I can see there is something she wants to say. My turn to wait.

"James…" she suddenly begins, but immediately she recognises her mistake.

I feel like I've just been shot.

"Don't ever call me that!" I say, my voice low and dangerous, sending her a threatening look that would have caused anybody else to just get up and leave.

But not her. She just stares at me sadly for a moment and I'm the one who looks away. What she wants to say must be real important to her, because she tries again:

"_Sawyer_, if you ever want to talk... I… I did some awful things too. I don't judge you, you know."

Even though I'm kind of touched by her offer and certainly intrigued as to what she could have done, I say curtly:

"You don't know the half of it, Freckles. And believe me, if you did, you'd never ever lay your eyes on my again."

"I doubt it," she whispers dejectedly.

"I killed a man," I say before I can't stop myself. Now that's it, she's going to get up and go cuddle with Jack.

But, to my surprise, she looks down again and sighs. Then her eyes find mine.

"Me too."

She pauses a few seconds and then adds:

"I was the one being escorted by the marshal on the plane."

We stare at each other for a few seconds before both reporting our attention on the fire. What we just admitted to one another was huge, so difficult that we can't add another word about it.

I finally just lie down on my back, and, desperate to change the subject, I point at the stars.

"Look. We can see Orion."

"See what? I'm not very familiar with constellations."

I motion to her to lie down, too, and I get closer to her. For long minutes I just tell her about the sky above us, not even thinking about making some kind of move like I usually would in these conditions.

We're actually having a civilized conversation and I certainly don't want to ruin it. At some point I ask her a question, but she doesn't answer.

She's asleep.

I smile and let sleep take me, too.

_Sawyer's POV_

When I wake up, she's gone. I can't help but being disappointed, although I know it's for the best. It would probably have been awkward and I would have said something totally stupid. I sit down, wondering if Kate really told me she had killed someone or if it had been a dream.

'No dream,' I confirm to myself, patting my shirt to find a much needed cigarette. The questions this little piece of information raises, the implications it has, just makes my head spin. And I don't feel like thinking things through right now.

Growing irritated by the fact that I don't have any of those precious cigarettes with me, I get up and head back to my dear beach house. I'm almost there when I see Saint Jack coming towards me.

"Hey, Sawyer, did you give the gun back to Kate yet?"

"What?" I reply coldly.

"She told me she would ask you to give it back to me."

He seems to misinterpret my surprise for incomprehension, so he explains:

"The gun you took from the marshal and killed a polar bear with. It would be best if you gave it back to me. I'll get it locked up inside the Halliburton case with the others."

No way in hell I'm giving anything to that guy, and certainly not after what he just told me. Through gritted teeth, I answer:

"Forget it, Doc."

And, forgetting my urge to smoke, I walk away to find Kate.

_Kate's POV_

I left while he was still sleeping, uneasy about waking up near to him after our talk last night, and headed to the jungle to pick up some fruits. But as I fill my bag, sitting on a tree's branch, I can't think about anything other than him.

Ever since we've crashed here, I've thought Jack would be the one that I would talk to about my crime. He already knows I was the prisoner on the fateful flight 815, but he doesn't know I'm a killer.

Unexpectedly, it turned out that Sawyer was the one I confessed to. I reached out to him by telling him what I did. I never imagined he would admit being a killer himself. I stare at an orange I'm holding, wandering how I feel about this. Even without knowing the details of what he did, the fact is that I can't blame him for his actions. I'm getting to know him pretty well, and I've decided he was a good man after all. A good man who's done awful things. I cringe. How can I forgive him so easily, when I can't even forgive myself? And what does Sawyer think of me now? My admission didn't seem to be a bother him last night, but who knows what he'll say about it this morning?

I suddenly hear noise in the bushes, pulling me out of my reverie. I hold my breath. You never know what's going to pop up on this island. To my relief, it's only Sawyer.

I smile to him, but I quickly realise he's not in a good mood.

"So that's why you acted like all was good between us, huh?" he begins angrily, leaving me totally bewildered.

"What?"

He replies with a question.

"Aren't you tired of being the doc's little errand girl?"

Ah, so that's what it's about. A few days ago I told Jack I'd ask Sawyer to give back the gun he had found, knowing all too well he would say no if Jack was the one who'd ask. But with everything that happened lately, I just forgot.

"Jack asked you about the gun?" I wonder as I make my way down the tree.

"You're damn right he did. Must have thought your little manipulation of me wasn't going fast enough."

"I'm not manipulating you, Sawyer," I protest.

"Oh, yes, you are. Because that's what you do, cupcake. You're a professional at it."

I freeze and he goes on:

"You know what, pumpkin? I think your doctor boyfriend has known for a long time about what you've _supposedly_ confessed to me last night."

"No, he hasn't," I state firmly.

But he won't hear it.

"Of course you told this a-"

"Why do you hate Jack so much?" I interrupt him.

He stares at me with fierce eyes.

"Because you think he's so better than we are."

"Isn't he?"

"Our actions don't define who we are, sweetheart. Your Jack, if he had been through what we've been through, would have done the same thing we did. The difference between us ain't that big."

"That's a strange thing to hear from you, the man who's taken the name of the man he despises most to punish himself for what he's done," I can't resist saying.

I think Sawyer is either going to explode or hit me, so I immediately go on:

"Why do you care what I think of him?"

He briefly looks down before holding my gaze again.

"I don't."

I easily can tell he's lying.

"Yes, you do."

"Alright, maybe I do!" he shouts impatiently.

"Liking him doesn't mean I can't like you, too," I say in a softer voice.

He shakes his head in disbelief and a hurt smile appears on his face.

"Like him? You're in love with him, Freckles!"

I don't know what comes over me, but I say:

"Jack is not the one I'm falling for, Sawyer."

He's taken aback and just stares at me, unable to say anything. I go on:

"I used to think that being with someone like Jack, finding someone like him to forgive me, would allow me to believe I'm not such a bad person after all. I've been trying to convince myself I had feelings for him. But I'm not so sure anymore this is the way to go."

He looks at me intensely and again, at this moment, he's putting up no façade. We both know what I just admitted. He takes a step toward me, hesitantly, but I take one back. I'm not ready for this.

"But if I let myself fall for you, Sawyer, it would mean I can love someone despite what they did before. That would mean I could forgive myself, too."

He nods slowly. In a low voice, he states:

"And if I fell for you that would mean I could be… James."

We gaze at each other for a long second before looking down, knowing we have our demons to fight before we could be together. I'm not even sure we're ready to fight them.

I walk past him, heading back to camp, and he doesn't do anything to stop me.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

_Sawyer's POV_

We've been avoiding each other ever since our little talk in the jungle, two days ago. I still find myself looking around for her all the time, though. Sometimes I even catch her stealing a glance at me before quickly looking away. I hate this situation; if there was anything I could always count on on this damn island, it was how easy it was to be around her. But I still can't bring myself to talk to her. What would I tell her anyway? I really like ya', Freckles, but I'm just too messed up to be with ya'?

It's stupid, I know, because my heart has already made its mind, has already fallen for her. It's too late to change anything about that, I know it deep inside. I have to learn to forgive myself for the terrible things I've done. But it's just too hard. I've got to let go of 'Sawyer', but I'm not even sure 'James' is still in there.

I kick an imaginary rock in the sand, exasperated with myself. Am I going to pass on the best thing that ever happened to me because I'm too afraid to let go of my past? Am I even worth being forgiven? Am I ever going to be able to let go of my obsession to kill the real Sawyer?

A noise in the bushes suddenly stops my train of thoughts. Kate bursts out of the jungle.

"Sawyer!" she calls, gasping for air. "I need all your alcohol. NOW!"

It's obvious something is very wrong. So, instantly forgetting about the previous uneasiness between us, I get the bottles she asked for.

"What's going on?" I ask, putting the bottles in Kate's open backpack.

"Boone is injured. Locke said that, uh, he fell off a cliff while they were out hunting

boar."

I say nothing. I'm actually worrying about Boone and the thought is kind of disturbing.

"Is that it?" she wonders, obviously anxious to take those bottles to Jack as fast as she can.

"I'm afraid so," I reply, but she's already zipping up her backpack and putting it on.

"Do you need anything else? I can come with you," I suggest.

She stares at me for a second, trying to see if I'm serious. She must see in my eyes that I'm genuinely concerned, because she smiles appreciatively at me before saying:

"Too many cooks already. But thanks."

Before I can add anything, she's off again, heading back into the jungle.

_Kate's POV_

I know I shouldn't be walking through the jungle alone at night, but I don't care. I've got to go back to the beach and be with Sawyer.

Only a couple of hours ago, I delivered Claire's baby. As soon as I could safely leave her with Charlie and Jin, I headed back to the caves to check on Boone. And then I learned that he had died.

The news had a deep effect on me. I didn't know him much, but he was part of that new 'family' I found on the island. Seeing that Sun was taking care of a profoundly disturbed Jack, I did the only thing I wanted to do: run to see Sawyer.

I'm now almost back at the beach, and all I can think of is how short life is. How unpredictable, too. A few days ago I had decided not to pursue an intimate relationship with Sawyer, but now I realise that, if he's ready to, we might as well enjoy the good moments life brings us while we can. Who knows who's going to be the next one to die? And what if tomorrow were to be the day we were rescued? I'm now convinced I have to seize the happy moments before I find myself in a federal prison for years and years… or dead.

I finally arrive at Sawyer's tent. Of course, he's sleeping peacefully, unaware of the last events. He knows Boone was injured, but not how serious it was. I sit by his side and watch him for a few minutes, unable to tear my eyes of him. He seems so genuinely relaxed for once that I just can't find it in me to wake him.

He's sleeping on his back, breathing slowly, and the image just mirrors too horribly what I just saw at the caves: Boone on his death bed, in a similar pose.

I feel the tears starting to run down my cheeks. What if it had been Sawyer? I just can't stand the though of losing him…

Geez, is this is _Sawyer _I'm talking about? If someone had told me this just a few weeks ago, I would have laughed to their face. But now I feel differently.

I'm now sobbing and I'm afraid I'll wake him up. But just when I'm starting to get up to leave, his eyes open and he turns his head towards me. His blue eyes find mine and I instantly know there is no use in pretending anymore.

I belong to this man.

_Sawyer's POV_

I wake up suddenly, all my senses immediately in alert. I swiftly turn my head in the noise's direction and I see Kate. It takes me a second to realise that she's sobbing.

My heart brakes.

"Kate, what's going on?" I ask, concern lacing my voice.

She just sobs some more and I hope she didn't notice I've just called her by her real name.

"Come here," I add gently, opening my arms to her. I'm so caught up in the moment that I easily forget about the consequences of what I'm doing.

Without hesitation, she gets up and sits on my bed. Trying to comfort her, I pull her in a tight embrace and tenderly stroke her hair. I breathe in her scent as she rests her head on my shoulder. The woman hasn't shampooed in days, but I swear she still smells like flowers.

I hold her that way for a long time, trying to figure out what happened to her. The last I saw of her, she was heading to the caves with all the alcohol I had, taking it to Jack who was attending to Boone. And it hits me: Boone probably hadn't made it.

The sobs finally subside and she wipes her humid cheeks. She pulls back a little and I let her go. I know she's going to speak, but she says the last thing I would have expected her to.

"You called me 'Kate'," she chuckles.

I can't help but smile.

"You got me there, _Freckles._"

She doesn't add a word for a few more seconds, then says, serious:

"Boone died tonight."

I just nod, not knowing what to say.

"You have to try and sleep. You've had a hard day."

"You have no idea… I also delivered Claire's baby," she whispers, a nervous laugh shaking her body.

"What?"

I can't believe how amazing this woman is. Yet she looks so fragile…

"Here, take my bed," I say, beginning to get up.

She puts her hand on my arm to stop me.

"Stay. I… I need you to hold me," she asks almost shyly, clearly drained.

All her defences are down. I lie down again and she rests her head on my chest. I pull the blanket over us and hold her close, not letting go even when she falls asleep.

_Kate's POV_

When I open my eyes a few hours later, it takes me a second to realise where I am. I'm still resting on Sawyer's chest. I close my eyes again for a moment, trying to block the world around us from my mind. I'd like to feel this good, this protected forever. But I know all too well how hard this day is going to be for all of us.

I sigh internally and decide to go and look after Claire and her baby. I hope there were no complications after I left… I raise my head delicately, trying not to wake Sawyer up, but he startles me by suddenly saying:

"Where do you think you're going?"

His eyes are still shut, but I can see a tiny smile playing on his lips. I can't help but smirk, too.

"Are you ready for people to know about your softer side?"

To that he just grunts and takes his arm off from around my shoulders. I sit up next to him.

"You sure know how to break a mood, Freckles," he replies, trying to hide his amusement.

"Sorry," I say with mocked regret.

"I like it when you apologize to me."

I manage a little smile, but he can easily see my heart isn't into it.

"I'll go with you," he says, pushing back the blanket as he spoke.

At this moment, I could have just kissed him. I'm so glad he's here. I have no idea where we stand right now, but I don't really care at the moment. We're together and that's all that matters.

"You don't even know where I'm going."

"Doesn't matter."

I nod, trying to hide how it means to me. I don't think I'm doing a very good job at it.

Sawyer puts on the black shirt that fits him so well and he follows me out. We head toward the jungle, but before we can enter it Charlie, Jin, Claire and her newborn son arrive at the beach. Instantly, people start to gather around them, admiring the baby. Sawyer isn't any different. He seems fascinated by it.

I glance to my right just in time to see Jack walking tiredly on the beach. He gives me a worn off look and instantly the dreadfulness of the previous night comes back to me.

_Sawyer's POV_

I follow Kate's gaze and see Jack coming in our direction, but he passes us and heads towards Shannon and Sayid who have just appeared further down the beach. I then look back at Kate and I hate to see how worn out she is. She's usually so strong; it feels strange seeing her like that.

I've got to do something to cheer her up. And I know just what.

I gently touch her arm to get her attention and she slowly turn to face me.

"Hey, I've got an idea. Come with me."

She shakes her head.

"I can't leave, Sawyer, I can't let Jack handle all this on his own…"

I urge myself to stay calm, hating the idea of her comforting Jack. I insist:

"Yes, you can. He's telling Shannon right now, and then she's going to need to see her brother. It's going to be a while before she's ready to bury him…"

I clear my throat, suddenly feeling a bit emotional. I've always hated funerals.

"Where do you want to go?" she asks jadedly after a few seconds.

A small smile appears on my lips.

"That's a surprise, Freckles."

She looks down and shakes her head, amused.

"Okay."

I reach out for her hand and, after meeting my eyes for a brief moment, she puts it into mine.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

_Kate's POV_

"Are we there yet?" I enquire for the thousandth time and, even if his back is turned to me, I can see him trying to hold back his irritation. I repress a smile. I just love messing with him, I can't help myself.

"Almost," he replies evenly, not slowing down his pace.

I keep on following him, my eyes hardly ever leaving the sight of his broad shoulders, muscular back and tight butt. At least that keeps my mind from wandering back to the previous night's events. Unsure how Sawyer would react if I thanked him for trying to make me feel better, I decide to wait until an opportunity presents itself. He's changed in the last few weeks, but I know he'd feel uncomfortable if I let him know how much this means to me. I smile to myself: who'd have guessed, in the days following the crash, that Sawyer could be so nice and considerate?

I'm about to ask him teasingly if he really knows where he's going when, at last, we arrive at a clearing in the jungle and I gasp: in front of us is a waterfall and pool.

"Sawyer… wow… it's gorgeous," I murmur, taking it in.

He grins widely, happy to see I like his surprise. Before I can add anything, he heads for the water.

"What are you doing?" I wonder.

"What does it look like I'm doing, Freckles?" he answers as he takes off his shirt, shoes and socks.

I gaze at him, unable to move. He looks sexy as hell.

"Come on, Freckles, after all we've been through on this damn island, don't we deserve something good?"

Trying to hide my trouble, I scoff and he adds:

"What, you're going to say no? Are you some sort of navel-gazing, no-fun, mopey type?"

I smile and he mimics me, knowing he's won. I remove my shoes and take my jeans off, very conscious of his gaze on me. I hurriedly dive into the water, and, when I surface, he asks:

"It's nice, huh?"

I nod and he jokingly dunks me under the water. I do the same to him, and, for a good while, we swim and play in the water. It's been a while since I've felt so carefree and that's a delicious feeling. I can't believe how easy it is to be with Sawyer, how great we get along.

At one point, Sawyer turns and starts swimming toward the falls.

"Come on, let's go to the rock. Come on."

I follow him and we swim over toward the rocks near the falls. Then Sawyer gallantly gives me his hand and we climb up on the rocks near the waterfalls.

We exchange a challenging look. A second later, I dive into the water and Sawyer quickly follows me. We're still underwater when I feel him grabbing my waist. Smiling, I pull away from him, swimming out of his reach. We surface a moment later behind the waterfall.

Here the lake isn't as deep and I can stand without water reaching my neck. The noise made by the waterfall is very loud and there isn't much space, but I love the feeling of isolation it suddenly gives me.

I take a look at Sawyer who's staring at me. I smile playfully and he does the same; but slowly his expression transform into something else. He grows serious and suddenly he looks just like he did when he was waiting for me to kiss him, back when we thought he had the inhalers. In his eyes I can see that, at this moment, there is absolutely no pretending, no mask, just raw feelings of love and desire.

My heart is now beating so furiously that I wonder if it's going to explode. We're so close… His eyes drop to my lips and I know there is no way I'll be able to fight the urge that fills my whole body. I want him.

We both move at the same time. I bury my hands into his hair as I feel his hands encircle my waist, pulling me closer to his well-built chest. I close my eyes and I don't have to wait more than a second before his lips find mine. He kisses me so tenderly at first that I wonder if I'm going to be able to prevent my knees from buckling under me. I hold him tighter and as a reply he kisses me with more and more fervour.

At this point I don't even care anymore what he's going to do with me. I've never abandoned myself this way to anyone… His tongue makes its way into my mouth and I can't repress a moan.

He instantly pulls away from me, just as if he had suddenly been hit by lightning. I can't move, stunned by his unexpected change of attitude. Without so much as a glance towards me, he growls: "It's late, we should go back," before diving under the waterfall.

I stand there alone for a moment, frozen. Did I do something wrong?

Of course I did, I silently admonish myself as I finally follow him. He clearly wasn't ready for such closeness, to show that much of his true feelings for me. I pushed too hard too soon, sleeping in his bed, kissing him the way I did. Blaming myself for the new uneasiness between us, I hurriedly exit the water and put on my jeans.

Silently, we begin our journey back to the beach.

_Sawyer's POV_

I throw the ritual handful of sand into Boone's grave and, after a brief look at Kate, hurriedly walk away.

The march back to the beach was really uncomfortable for the both of us, I know it. We walked silently as I tried to understand what the heck was going on with me. Why did kissing her suddenly gave me the urge to run as far as I could? I probably hurt her by acting that way, but I just don't know what to tell her.

I walk along the beach, leaving the group behind. Flashes of our kiss invade my mind, invade my whole body. The urge I felt to grab her and kiss her was so strong it scared me to death. I've never felt like anything like that, just like I've never felt as good as I felt last night sleeping with her in my arms. But I certainly don't deserve the happiness she brings me. And what if we really were saved? What would she be expecting of me? I could never make her happy. I'm nothing in the real world.

I'm just not ready for such a powerful connection with someone, and maybe I'll never be. I've got to stop this before it's too late, before I end up hurting her. Or before she hurts me by changing her mind and choosing Jack… I sigh. It kills me to say so, but being with the Doc might be the best thing for her anyway.

I'm just so confused. I feel cornered, aching with the need of being close to her, of being totally open with her, but at the same time being totally unable to surrender to those feelings. I want to run away but there is nowhere to go, I realise, dejected, until my eyes fall on the raft Michael is building. I stop walking, considering that option. Perhaps getting on the raft would be the solution, the possibility to get out of Kate's life before I can truly hurt her.

But what if something happened to the raft? I know the odds are against the success of that venture, but I don't care. I should have died in the plane crash anyway. And in a sense, I've been dead ever since I heard the first gunshot, hidden under my bed all those years ago.

So I make the decision. I'm going to be the fourth person on that raft, I just have to be.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_Kate's POV_

The sun has been up for a few hours now. As I walk on the beach, I notice how people try to stay busy; eating, cleaning or gathering wood. I know exactly why they're acting this way, because I'm doing the same. We're all trying to get back to our lives, trying to forget what happened to Boone.

I myself am just returning from picking up fruits for everyone. I go from person to person, giving them fresh mangos and bananas. A little further down the beach, I can see Michael working on the raft, as he has been for days now. But I'm surprised to see Sawyer by his side.

I head in their direction, needing to talk to Sawyer again. I haven't seen him since our return from the waterfall. He's probably avoiding me and I hate it. One of us has to put an end to this, has to address what happened between us. I smile a little. Of course, that someone is going to be me.

As I come closer to them, I see Sawyer give Michael a log for the raft. Michael nods appreciatively, then seems to explain to Sawyer that he wants another one and shows him how long. Sawyer nods and enters the jungle, probably to cut it, I figure. But why would Sawyer help Michael? What is he getting in return? Dread fills my heart but my mind does its best to ignore it.

I've got to find out what's going on.

"Hey, Michael!"

"Hey, Kate!" he replies as he finishes tying the log given by Sawyer.

"I brought you some fruits."

Michael smiles.

"Thanks. I'm so busy with this I tend to forget to eat."

I grin, too.

"Is that why you enlisted Sawyer to help you? Because you were desperate?"

Michael chuckles and replies:

"I figured I'd do everybody a favour and take him with us."

My heart stops. I must have misunderstood what he meant. I _have_ to be wrong.

"You mean… He's going on the raft with you?"

Please, Michael, say no, I silently pray.

"Yes. At least he's good at chopping wood."

At his words, my world falls apart. Sawyer is leaving. It's just impossible. Not after the way he held me last night… How could he do this? How could he do this when I finally decided to give us a chance?

Without a word to Michael, I head to the jungle, to the place where I know I'll find Sawyer. Just as I figured, he's there, swinging the axe, and the scene reminds me of that time when I came to ask him for Shannon's inhalers.

But this time I'm not going to let him of the hook that easy.

_Sawyer's POV_

"What are you doing?"

I stop my movement. There it comes, the big scene. I sigh inwardly; whatever she says to me, I know she'll be right. I'm a moron, I've always know that. But I also know that I can't change my mind, no matter what. It's too late for that.

"Can't you see, Freckles?" I reply casually, although I know exactly what she means

"Michael told me you were leaving."

I turn around to face her, bracing myself for the sight of her. For the sight of the woman I love.

"Old Mickey ain't no liar, Sweetheart," I reply as I put down the axe.

She closes her eyes briefly, looking like she's going to cry, then stares at me again. Softly, she asks:

"Why are you going, Sawyer? I thought… you and I…"

She looks so desperate, my heart breaks. Instinctively, my body stiffens. I know I have to push her away and I hate it.

"What, you think I could really have a serious relationship with anyone?" I say angrily. "I'm not that kind of guy, cupcake. Go get cozy with the Doc. l know he already makes you all weak in the loins anyway."

Her features harden.

"I don't want Jack, I've already told you. If that's not obvious enough, I'll spell it out for you : I've got feelings for you, Sawyer."

Her admission briefly destabilizes me, but I know I can't turn back now. She adds:

"Why is it so important for you to be on that raft?"

I stare at her: she looks really upset. Suddenly I know there is no point in trying to push her away. I owe her the truth.

"Because I want you to be happy."

She shakes her head sadly.

"Don't you understand? When rescue comes they'll put me in jail. The only chance I've got to be happy is now, while I'm on this island. And I won't be without you. Don't go… please."

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I slowly turn my back to her and pick up the axe from the ground. In a low, tired voice, I only say:

"I'm already gone, Freckles."

And I hit the log forcefully.

_Kate's POV_

I tried all that I could, trying to get Michael to boot Sawyer off the raft, trying to get Jin to give me his spot so at least I'd be with him… but nothing worked.

I'm not angry with him, I'm more sad than anything. I'm worried about him. I know what he's doing, why he's doing it. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but there has got to be more to this, even if doesn't want to acknowledge it to himself. I think he feels like leaving on the raft might be his only shot at redemption. Taking risks to save the rest of us, but also taking the risk to die in order to save himself from his own demons.

I shouldn't be surprised, but I thought that what has developed between us could have made a difference. I wish he'd realise that in my eyes he is a good person, that I love him for who he is.

Now it's too late. In a few hours, when the sun goes up, he'll leave. Maybe forever.

I suddenly jump on my feet. He's still here and I've got to be with him while he is.

I enter his 'place', careful not to make any noise. But although he's lying on his makeshift bed, he's not asleep. He turns gloomy eyes towards me and I immediately know what I want to do. What I _need _to do.

In the shadows, I start to undress. I see a brief glint of surprise in his stare, but he doesn't move or speak. Once I'm done, I take a step towards him. Right before he opens his arms to me, I see that look in his blue eyes again. The look of love and need that shakes me to my core.

I lie down next to him and he wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and for a second we don't move. But when I look at him again, I see his eyes burning with such desire, such intensity, such… fear, that I gently press my lips against his. He instantly replies and suddenly our moves are frenzied.

We have to make the most of the time we have left.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_Sawyer's POV_

My breathing is finally returning to normal.

We still haven't spoken a word. We don't need to. She resting her head on my chest, like she did the night Boone died, and my arm is around her. Dawn is creeping in and I know the clock is ticking for us.

She's not trying to talk me out of this and I'm grateful for that. I couldn't stand it if she started to beg and cry. Leaving on that raft is something I have to do, there's no way around it. All we've got remaining to do is enjoy the few moments we have left together.

Absently, I start playing with a strand of her hair, thinking how happy it made me to see her appear in my tent earlier. It would be wrong for me to say that I had expected this, but I sure had hoped she would come by. A naughty smile floats on my lips; this sure had been much better than anything I could have imagined. But at the thought that I'm never going to experience that kind of bliss again, I sober up. I know I'm a damn moron, but I can't help it. I need to do this.

At this moment, we hear Michael and Jin talking and Kate lifts up her head, startled. The noise obviously pulled her out of her thoughts. We glance at each other. Since I don't really know what to say, I try:

"I still don't know how those two can understand each other."

She smiles sadly.

"Me neither," she murmurs before sitting down, now avoiding my gaze. "I have to go. Michael and Jin are going to come and get you soon."

"Yeah," I can only reply, hating myself for feeling emotional. I ache to touch her again, but I know we don't need to make this more difficult than it already is.

We both get dressed rapidly, avoiding looking at each other. When we're done, she turns to face me.

"I…" she begins hesitantly. "I won't be there for the raft launching, Sawyer. I'm not very good at goodbyes."

All I want right now is to take her into my arms and never let go, but I can't move. Stupidly, I reply:

"Me neither."

This is the end, I know it. In a minute she'll be gone forever. I should grab her and give her a kiss she'd never forget, but instead I just stand there, trying to engrave her beautiful face in my mind. I should tell her how much she means to me, but instead I just try to record her soft voice in my memory so I never forget it.

She takes a step towards the tent's exit and then locks her eyes with mine. I see the tears dangerously close from falling.

"Be safe, Sawyer."

Disheartened, I barely have time to reply "Yeah" and she is gone.

_Kate's POV_

He's gone.

Right now, the raft is getting further and further away. I'm not even at the beach, but I can sense him leaving.

After I left his tent, I hurriedly went to mine. Since I hadn't been able to tell him myself how I truly felt about him, I was going to write him a message. I did and then delivered it to Michael and Jin, saying a quick goodbye. I then picked up my backpack and headed into the jungle, tears running down my cheeks. I didn't even know where I was going, but I should have known that I'd instinctively take the road leading here.

I've been sitting near the waterfall for hours now, lost in my thoughts. The tears came back and I have yet to find a way to stop them. I have no idea how I'll manage to live on this island now that he's gone. I'm not even sure I want to find out.

I try to shake up myself, not used to self-pity. You'll get through this, Kate, I tell myself. You've been through much worse. But… have I really? I'm pretty sure I've never loved anyone the way I love Sawyer, not even Tom. I feel empty like I never have before...

_Sawyer's POV_

Damn I'm stupid, I think for the thousandth time as I push back once more this damn hair from my face. I made Kate cry. I fooled myself, and her, into thinking we could actually be together. That I could even experience something remotely close to love. I should have stuck to being bad boy Sawyer, we would both have been better off.

I'm so lost in my thoughts I don't hear Michael walking up to me.

"Think we'll make it?" he asks me.

"No," I reply. "And I'm already sick of being on that raft."

Michael chuckles.

"Come on, man, don't be so negative. It may take days, weeks, but we'll succeed."

I glance at him.

"Know what I like about you, Mike? You got the patience of a saint."

"Yeah? Why you say that?" he wonders. He has the right to be surprised. We've hardly ever had a civilized conversation, and now I'm tossing him a compliment.

"I've seen the way Walt talks to you. The way he runs around; does whatever the hell he wants. I'd have shown him the back of my hand a long time ago."

"You would, huh?"

"Hell of a lot cheaper than a shrink," I add, although I know perfectly well that this is my Sawyer side speaking that way.

"Is that what your father did to you? Show you the back of his hand?"

"My daddy never got a chance to beat me. He shot himself when I was eight."

Michael ponders on that answer for a moment before asking:

"Is that why you want to die, man?"

"What?" I ask, stunned. Where did he take that from? Am I so obvious?

Michael explains:

"Since the day you told me you wanted on this raft, I couldn't figure it out. Why does a guy who only cares about himself want to risk his life to save everyone else? Yeah... way I see it, there are only two choices. You're either a hero, or you want to die."

"Well… I ain't no hero, Mike," I only reply before beginning to stare at the ocean.

I'm now starting to wonder if that's still true. Do I still want to die? A few weeks ago, I would have said Mike was right. I was crumbling under the weight of my past. I was convinced I was a bad person, someone who had nothing good to give others. The only way to find redemption was to die trying to find help. But now, picturing Kate in my arms, picturing her trying to hide her tears as she left me earlier, I'm not so sure anymore. I can't stop thinking about her. Ever since the island I had wished to leave so many times became invisible, I haven't been able to focus on anything else but the woman I've left behind.

For the first time in 25 years, I feel like crying and I hate it. To change my mind, I grab the bottle containing the messages the castaways wrote for their loved ones, in case we ever found help. Being true to my Sawyer identity, I remove a few pieces of paper from it and start to read. Of course Michael expresses his disapprobation, but I don't care. I'm a sickening person and nothing can change that.

I first read Tracy's letter to her husband and kids, loudly referring to the little affair she's got going on back on the island with Scott… or is it Steve? But as I put that paper down, another one catches my eye.

My name is written on it.

Trembling, I grab it and immediately notice that Kate wrote it. My heart beats faster as I read…

"Dear James,

By now I know I won't be able to change your mind about leaving on the raft. I wish I could have found a way to make you understand just what exactly you mean to me before it was too late. Now I can only pray that you'll be safe and that you will find help for all of us. Then maybe I'll have the chance to hold you again… Only that hope will get me through the days to come, through the emptiness ahead. Because without you, I'm empty and lost.

I hope you can find redemption in your own eyes. In mine you did.

I love you.

Kate."

I fold up the letter, my hands shaking and almost choking as I try to hold back my tears. She loves me, she really does. She loves me for who I am, despite my past.

Damn I'm stupid.

Still shaken up by Kate's letter, I'm lying down on my back. I'm looking at the stars, wondering if Kate is doing the same thing right now. Somehow, it comforts me to think she and I could be watching the same thing. Somehow, it makes me feel closer to her.

I just hope I can save her. Save her? Ah, I'm laughable. She's the one who saved me by giving me her heart…

Suddenly, the radar starts to beep steadily. For a split second we just stare at each other, but then we all get up and walk up to the screen. There really is a white dot blinking on it.

"Someone's coming! Someone's coming!" Michael can't stop screaming. "Fire the flare!"

I pick up the flare gun that can save us and, under the anxious gazes of my fellow sailors, hesitate for a few seconds. What if I just threw the flare in the water? The guys would kill me for sure and then... well, I'd be dead and done with this mess of a life.

But instead I close my eyes and sigh deeply. I'm going to do this. I'm going to make sure the people, back on the island, make it back to their loved ones. I'm going to make sure everybody on this island gets a new shot at life. Including myself.

I fire the flare, my eyes following its light in the dark sky. And I catch myself thinking that this light represents my life right now... There is hope for me. And this hope is named Kate. That is if she can forgive me for leaving her behind the way I did, but somehow I know she will.

I feel calm, a sense of peace having just washed over me.

I'll see her again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

After what seems to be an hour, we see a white boat coming in our direction. But while the other three express their joy and relief, I stand still. Because I've just realised what being rescued means for Kate.

Prison.

I've got to do something. My mind is racing as the boat arrives near us. A retired couple is looking at us with surprise. Clearly they must have been about to go to bed and weren't expecting to see us here in the middle of nowhere.

"Hey, there! What are you doing out here, on a… raft?" the man asks.

Michael explains.

"We were in a plane crash. Over 40 of us survived and were stranded on an island. We're looking for help."

"Oh my God, are you okay?" the woman asks, looking especially concerned for Walt. "Come on aboard, we'll call the authorities!" she adds, catching her husband's gaze. He nods, smiling, and he gets a rope ladder.

Walt and Michael go up first, then Jin. I hand them the few things we want to salvage from the raft, like the bottle containing all the castaways' messages, before climbing on board myself. The boat isn't very big, it will even be a bit crowded with all of us on board, I note inwardly.

The woman welcomes me with a blanket while I hear Michael and Walt giving the man all the details of our ordeal.

"Come on, I'll get you something to eat. You must be hungry."

Kindness exudes form this woman and right away I feel I can trust her, which isn't something I've experienced too often in my life. I nod at her offer for food and she's about to turn away before she stops her movement.

"Oh, silly me, I forgot the introductions. I'm Marge, and here's my husband Robert. We're on a trip around the world. Our lifelong dream," she says with a tender smile towards her husband. She extends her hand to shake Jin's. He shakes it.

"Jin. Thank you," he says with gratitude.

"He only speaks Korean," I explain. "I'm Sawyer. And the two boys who can't shut up are Michael and his son Walt."

She chuckles.

"I'll go and make sandwiches, then we'll talk some more. I'm dying to hear more about your story. I won't be long."

She disappears down the stairs while I'm still trying to figure out what to do about Kate. Could I convince Marge and Robert to go get Kate before the rescue team comes? If we could get to the continent before Kate's picture was plastered inside every police station, maybe we'd have a chance to disappear… I sigh. This plan is far from perfect. Think, Sawyer, think. There's got to be another option.

Right now, Michael and Robert are trying to figure out the island's location on a map in order to call the authorities. I know I don't have much time to decide what to do…

A few minutes later, Marge comes back with sandwiches, beers and a soda for Walt. She hands the food to everyone, saving me for last. She sits down by my side.

"Are you okay?" she asks, her brow furrowed. "You don't seem quite as happy as your friends."

I gaze at her. She seems so kind… maybe she'd understand? Maybe, if I told her the truth, she'd help me? I suddenly feel nervous. Being truthful is so unusual and… frightening to me. But I've got to try, for Kate's sake. I've got nothing to lose, I guess.

"Back on this island… There's a woman I… I…"

I look down, unable to go on. I'm choking on those simple words, simple words that bear so much meaning to me now. Marge gently squeezes my arm.

"The woman you love, huh?"

I nod.

"Yes. I need to go and get her before the rescue team comes."

"And why is that?" she gently asks.

"If the cops get to her, they'll put her in prison. But I can't let that happen."

I can hardly look at her. Her reaction to this revelation will decide of everything. After a few seconds, she squeezes my arm again.

"I'm going to ask you a question, and I need you to answer me honestly."

I nod once more. Anything for Kate.

"This woman… Don't tell me what she did, just tell me: is she's a danger for other people?"

She's staring at me, waiting for my answer. An answer I'm happy to give her.

"No," I state firmly. "I give you my word."

Marge nods pensively.

"I'm not sure why, but I'm convinced you're a good man and that you're telling me the truth. I'll talk to Robert. What's your plan?"

Suddenly it all seems clear to me. I know what we have to do.

I'm so relieved.

Marge, Robert, Michael and Walt all agreed with my plan and somehow I believe them when they say they'll never tell a soul about what's about to happen. I still can't believe that those people are ready to do such a thing for me. I wish there was a way of thanking them, but I'll think about that later.

For now, over and over, I look at all the possible outcomes of the next few hours. The marshals will come, the other castaways will tell them Kate survived the crash… But if we're lucky and no one sees her leave with me… Maybe they'll just think that she is still hiding in the island? And with huge polar bears and God knows what running around the place, they probably won't spend too much time looking for her there.

I'm not naïve enough to think the authorities will be fooled forever, but that should give us enough time to disappear anywhere. I've got money under false names, I'll get us new IDs and a new life. Together.

I'm not going to let them take her away from me, that's for sure.

Now, as the boat heads back to the island, I'm trying to explain to Jin what this is all about. Not an easy task.

Gesturing like a madman, feeling like a total moron, I repeat:

"Go back to the island, get Kate. Shhhttt, a secret…"

"Sun. Boat."

But he can't get Sun now and he just doesn't get why. I'm getting really irritated. Thankfully, Michael interrupts his chuckling to help me.

"Jin, we're going to get Kate while it's still dark. No one can see us. We don't want the police to know Kate was on this boat."

To my bewilderment, Jin seems to understand.

"Sun?" he asks calmly, like he wants confirmation from Mike. Really, those two will never cease to amaze me.

"Don't worry man, you'll see her soon."

Jin runs his hand in his hair and sighs. Clearly he'd like to get Sun to, but he accepts that he can't. He looks at me and says: "Okay."

As we're heading back to where we came from, Jin and I just stay silent. I know he's thinking about his wife, relieved he would get to be with her again. I bet he's also thinking about how they'll resume their lives together.

For the first time since I was 8 years old, I understand how it feels to go back to someone you love, to have someone waiting for you. I need to see her again more than I need to breathe, it's as simple as that.

Looking back on everything that happened since I woke up on that beach weeks ago, I realise this has been one heck of a trip. A trip inside my soul. And at the end of the journey, I found love. I found Kate.

My need for revenge is gone, I don't care about the real Sawyer anymore. He's not going to destroy the rest of my life as well. I slowly reach into my back pocket and grab the letter I've been holding on to for so long and proceed to rip it apart into tiny pieces that I let go into the dark water.

I grin.

Welcome back, James.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_Kate's POV_

It's getting dark when I finally decide to head back to camp. I really don't feel like it, but I also know that sleeping out here alone isn't the smartest, safest thing to do. And even though right now I don't feel like talking to anyone, I know that being with the other survivors will help ease my pain at some point. Sun is probably going through the same thing I am right now; maybe tomorrow we could talk, try and support each other.

Yes, I'm aware of all that, even if right now I don't see how the pain could ever ease. All I can feel is despair and loss.

As I walk, I look at the now totally dark sky. The stars are visible and I wonder if he's watching them, too. I wonder if he found my message yet… and if he has the same feelings for me. I think he does, but since he's never told me I guess I'll never know for sure. I sigh and make a silent prayer.

Be safe, Sawyer.

Once back at the beach, I purposely avoid looking at his tent. It would have been just too painful. Perhaps in a few days I'll go in there and see if he left anything behind I could keep as a reminder of him, a shirt, a book, anything. But for now I'm just not ready to do such thing.

The beach is totally empty now, everyone being in bed. I enter my own tent and lie down, even though I know I'm not going to be able to sleep.

How could I? He's haunting me; I can't stop myself for reliving every word, every touch we shared… I don't ever want to forget any of the moments we had together. They're the only happy memories I'll have left until the day I die. I close my eyes, trying to withhold the tears from falling again…

And I suddenly hear his voice.

"Kate…"

Startled, I open my eyes. This can't be. Sawyer is crouching right in front of me, soaking wet.

"Kate," he whispers urgently.

Maybe something happened to the raft and he died? And now his ghost is visiting me? Nothing is too crazy on this island, I think as I sit up fearfully.

"Sawyer, is that really you?"

He must hear the apprehension in my voice, because he moves towards me, putting his hand on my arm.

"Yes, it's really me. This isn't a dream. You have to come with me before rescue comes," he explains hurriedly.

I feel a wave of happiness wash over me. He's back, he's back, I keep saying to myself. I want to grab him and kiss him senseless, but something in his eyes stops me.

"What? What's going on?" I ask.

"I can't explain right now. But we've got to leave before someone sees us. Trust me, Kate," he murmurs, gazing into my eyes. I know he's telling the truth, as strange as it may sound. I get out of bed.

"Let's go."

But before I can stand, he pulls me to him and stares at me gravely. I can see there is a lot he'd like to tell me, but now is not the time and he knows it. So he settles on giving me a needy kiss that neither of us wants to end. But we finally break apart. He grabs my hand and, after sharing a smile, we exit the tent.

_Saywer's POV_

Careful not to be seen by anyone, we rapidly walk up the beach, walking on the humid sand. By morning, the tide with be high and our footsteps will be erased. Still holding hands, we finally cross the point were the others can't see us anymore, as their view is blocked by big rocks. We can now see Robert and Marge's boat waiting for us a not too far away in the water, and suddenly Kate stops dead.

"Are we heading to this boat?" she asks, worry written all over her face.

I know she's afraid she'll be arrested and I take a minute to explain what happened and what's my plan. She relaxes as I do.

"Good thinking, pretty boy," she congratulates me with a relieved smile.

She is so beautiful; I can't stop myself from touching her. I gently wrap my arms around her waist. There is something I need to tell her before we swim to the boat.

"I'm sorry I was such a moron, Kate. I should have understood that I didn't need to leave to be redeemed," I apologize.

She nods knowingly.

"It's okay, I understand you had to do this…" she says reassuringly. But in her eyes I can see she still doesn't know how I truly feel about her.

I take a deep breath and hold her tighter.

"Kate… I… I love you, too," I whisper, saying the words I mean for the first time in my life.

She raises her eyes and our gazes lock. My heart is beating like crazy as her lips gently touch mine. We kiss and I can sense just how much she loves me. I've never felt something this amazing.

"Kate," I begin when we finally break apart, needing to breathe, "once we get off the boat… I want to stay with you."

She stares at me in disbelief.

"Sawyer… I'd love it if you stayed with me, but… Are you sure you want this? I mean... I'm wanted. They could find out I left the island," she warns me, but I can actually hear the hopefulness in her voice.

I tenderly stroke her cheek and confirm:

"I don't care what happens. All I want is to be with you. Heck, Sweet Cheeks, I'd even stay on this damn island to be near you."

"Sawyer..." she begins, choking on the words, unable to hide how happy my words make her.

"Call me James," I say, doing my best 007 imitation. The result must not be too good, because Kate is now chuckling. I pretend being offended and she finally sobers up.

"For me you were always James," she replies, beaming.

We smile to each other as I tenderly wraps my arm around her shoulders and we head towards our new life.

THE END


End file.
